I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
