Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
