There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
