he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
