I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
