I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
