The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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