pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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