You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
