Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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