If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And then my night got REAL pukey
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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