dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
