when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
