It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
