please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
