I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize