I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Are my feet made of real feet?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
