I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
