Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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