i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
