The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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