How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize