Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
