I hate your face
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
