if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
