do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
