Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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