1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize