Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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