her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
