He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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