I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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