its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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