I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
