Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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