I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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