Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
