the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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