I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
