I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
