I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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