so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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