I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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