My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
