I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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