I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize