he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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