I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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