you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That accounts for only three of the penises
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
