I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize