1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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