Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
